Love Will Tear Us Apart (a My Immortal parody)
by BabyIt'sBrynlee
Summary: In which Aquamarine Sarah Spiritwolf Shindell Mann and her gang of hipsters save Hogwarts from death by Voldemort in their own super indie way that's probably way over your head. You know what famous fic I'm rewriting. I am in no way Tara Gilesbie, but this is in every way My Immortal. Read or something, maybe.
1. 1-4

_AN: This is My Immortal, just hipsterified. Continuing the tradition of Tara Gilesbie, the title is a song, this time by Joy Division._

_But if you didn't know that already, you should probably get the fuck out or something ;)_

_I'm throwing Fun. in there as her favorite "hipster" band even though Fun. is totally mainstream, in the same way that Tara apparently thinks that MCR is goth. Vampire Weekend was just too funny to not use. So, yeah._

_I'm unpunctuating all the dialogue to emphasize what cool-headed hipsters they all are, much like Tara capitalized everything. It's style, not a grammatical error. Get it._

**Chapter 1.**

Hey or whatever. My name is Aquamarine Sarah Spiritwolf Shindell Mann and I have long sepia brown hair in braids and feathers that reaches my mid-back and seacoast blue eyes. You know, a lot of people tell me I look like Tori Amos (AN: seriously, people, get with it.). I'm not related to Aimee Mann, but I wish I was because she's massively hot. Yeah, I'm bi. Get it. I'm part Cherokee but I'm totally New York pale so you can't really tell. I'm also a witch, and I go to a magic school called Hogwarts in England where I'm in the seventh year (I'm seventeen).

I'm a hipster (in case you couldn't tell), so I wear mostly clothes from thrift stores and brands you've never heard of. For example, today I was wearing a hand-me-down tank top and a vintage maxidress, retro Vans and a handmade hemp blazer. I had just bought a lot of cool old-fashioned owl pins on Etsy, so of course I had to show them off on every inch of my body. I was walking outside Hogwarts. A lot of posers were staring at me. I glared condescendingly at their sheep-like fashion sense.

"Hey, Aquamarine." called a voice. I looked up. It was Draco Malfoy, this total babe from Slytherin. I'd seen him before at a few concerts. He was kinda indie, in a really mainstream way.

"What's up, Draco." I asked.

"Nothing." he said boredly.

But then I heard some poser mention Don Bronco in conversation and I had to go teach her a lesson.

**Chapter 2.**

The next day I woke up in my bedroom. It was snowing and raining again, which made it the second day in a row. The weather is so played out sometimes.

I sat up in bed and drank some organic kale juice to get me going. What, you want me to describe my bed? It's a repurposed shipping palate, and the sheets are made of cruelty-free wool and recycled elephant feces. I got out of bed and took off the oversized Motion City Soundtrack t-shirt I use for pajamas. Instead, I put on my grandmother's vintage flapper dress, a dreamcatcher necklace, and hemp gladiator sandals on. I put on four barbells in my pierced eyebrows and nose, and put my hair in a kind of messy bun.

My friend, Willowtree, woke up then and grinned at me. She flipped her long waist-length raven black hair with pink streaks and opened her forest-green eyes. She put on a Walk The Moon t-shirt with a miniskirt made of recycled water bottles and purchased-before-they-were-cool Toms. We put on our makeup (a very very miniscule amount of blush, caring about your appearance is so old.)

"Dude, I saw you talking to Draco Malfoy yesterday." she remarked, sounding bored.

"Uh huh." I said, disinterested.

"Do you like Draco." she asked as we left the Ravenclaw common room and into the Great Hall.

"Yeah, whatever." I drawled.

"Okay." she droned. Just then, Draco walked up to me.

"Hi." he said.

"Hey." I replied.

"Guess what." he said.

"What." I asked.

"Well, Fun. are having a concert in Hogsmeade." he told me.

"Yeah, I know." I love Fun. They're one of the bands that interest me the most, along with Vampire Weekend and OK Go and Lower Than Atlantis and Wilco and Hey Marseilles and the Postal Service and The Autumn Defense and Aimee Mann and The Temper Trap and Young the Giant and Arkells and Born Cages and Princeton.

"So do you want to go with me." he asked.

I shrugged.

**Chapter 3.**

On the night of the concert I put on my vintage-wash Vans. For pants, I wore Indian printed leggings. Then I put on a white lace dress and a men's cardigan sweater, because all the women's clothes I have are way too mainstream. I put on a bajillion friendship bracelets that I made myself. I shook my hair all over the place to make myself look less poserish. I felt a little depressed then at just the thought of mainstream culture, so blogged about it on tumblr. I read an offbeat self-published book while I waited for it to get notes and I listened to some City & Colour. I was feeling better, so I put on some natural cruelty-free mascara. Then I drank some homemade vegan cabbage juice so I was ready to go to the concert, yet maintain my waifish figure at the same time.

I went outside. Draco was waiting there in front of his flying eco-friendly hybrid car. He was wearing a Decemberists t-shirt (they would play at the show too), skinny jeans, and oxfords.

"Hi Draco." I said in a bored voice.

"Hi Aquamarine." he said back. We walked into his flying blue car and flew to the place with the concert. On the way, we listened to my custom mix of Fun. and Kishi Bashi. He smoked a joint, and I didn't because I'm straightedge. Get it. When we got there, we both hopped out of the car. We went to the pit at the front of the stage and swayed back and forth as we listened to Fun.

_"If you're lost and alone,_

_And you're sinking like a stone,_

_Carry ooooonnnn."_ sang Nate Ruess.

"Nate is super hot." I said to Draco, pointing to him as he sang, filling the club with his amazing voice.

Suddenly Draco looked sad.

"What's wrong?" I asked as we nodded our heads to the music. Then I caught on.

"I mean, you're cool too, I guess. And way less mainstream than Nate. They're playing Fun. on the radio constantly these days, it's borderline uncool." I said.

"Oh. Really." asked Draco disinterestedly, and he bumped his shoulder into me as we swayed.

"Really." I said. "Besides, I don't even know Nate Ruess. And I know way too many posers that are into him." I said disgustedly, thinking their ugly little infinity tattoos and flannels.

The night went on really well, and I had a great time. So did Draco. After the concert, we drank some Pabst and asked Nate Ruess for his autograph and took ironic photos with him. We got Fun. concert tees to prove to all the posers just how indie we are. Draco and I crawled back into the flying hybrid car, but Draco didn't go back into Hogwarts, instead he drove the car into... the Forbidden Forest.

**Chapter 4.**

"Draco." I mumbled. "What are you doing."

Draco didn't answer, but he stopped the flying car and he walked out of it. I climbed out of it too, curiously.

"What's going on." I asked flatly.

"Aquamarine." he asked.

"What." I droned.

Draco leaned in extra-close, and I looked into his eyes which revealed that he was wearing really lame contact lenses, which was dumb because he totally had a face for ironic horn-rimmed glasses, and then suddenly I didn't feel weird anymore.

And then…suddenly Draco took my hand and led me into the woods. He handed me a sketchbook and we began to draw the trees around us passionately. I took so many photos and posted them on instagram, and I even collected a few leaves for my ironic scrapbook. Then we sat in the middle of the forest and liked each others' Pinterest boards.

"Oh. Oh. Oh! " I exclaimed, excited by his impeccable taste in Bohemian curtains. I was beginning to sound interested, almost. We then started to run barefoot through the woods and quiz each other on all the types of trees we saw. And then….

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUKERS!"

It was Dumbledore, and he didn't seem too interested in vintage decor or nature walks. He took us back to the castle.


	2. 5-7

**Chapter 5.**

Dumbledore made Draco and I follow him. He kept shouting at us angrily, which I didn't really get. Was it the forbidden forest part that was pissing him off? Or maybe it's because my instas get more likes than his.

"You ludacris fools!" he shouted.

Well then.

I didn't know what to do, so I started to cry ironically. Draco ironically didn't comfort me. When we arrived back at the castle Dumbledore took us to Professor Snape and Professor McGonagall, who were both looking very angry.

"They were admiring nature in the Forbidden Forest!" he yelled in a furious voice.

"Why did you do such a thing, you mediocre dunces? There are animals that could have killed you in there!" declared Professor McGonagall.

"How dare you?" emphasized Professor Snape.

And then Draco murmured "Because the artistic craft is worth the potential pain we could have suffered at the hands of vicious beasts. (and also because I think Aquamarine is super hot, almost as hot as Ezra Koenig but not really)"

Everyone was quiet. Dumbledore and Professor McGonagall still looked mad but Professor Snape said. "Fine. Very well. You may go up to your rooms."

Draco and I went upstairs while the teachers glared at us.

"Are you okay, Aquamarine." he asked me gently.

"Whatever." I lied. I went to the girl's dorm and brushed my teeth and my hair and changed into a white lacy nightdress and the brown pumps I wear to bed all the time for some reason. When I came out…

Draco was standing in front of the bathroom, and he started to sing 'Unbelievers' by Vampire Weekend while playing on his ironic banjo. I was kinda flattered by the song choice, even though he wasn't supposed to be there. We discussed middle-American poetry and he kissed my hand. After that, we said goodnight, I forced him out of the girls' bathroom, and he reluctantly went back to his room.

**Chapter 6.**

The next day I woke up in my bed, as opposed to on the ceiling. I put on a pair of hand-me-down fair trade organic cotton jeans and a She & Him t-shirt and my old high top converse. I put on my facial jewelry and braided some feathers into my messy hair, and then I went down for breakfast.

In the Great Hall, I ate some organic GMO-free granola with soymilk instead of regular milk (dairy farms hurt cows - get it), and a glass of ironic hard cider. Suddenly someone bumped into me. All the cider spilled all over my jeans.

"Ugh, whatever." I muttered to myself. And then I looked up and sort of regretted saying it but not really, because I found myself looking into the pale face of a hipster boy with messy black hair and green eyes. He wore his Hogwarts robes totally rumpled and a bit threadbare, like he didn't care about his appearance at all. He was wearing these totally cool ironic round glasses and had this really story-worthy scar on his forehead. He had a manly stubble on his chin and a boring English accent that I would have found sexy if I was a thirteen-year-old American fanfic author. Not gonna lie, he kinda looked exactly like Daniel Radcliffe, with a less mainstream haircut. My brain went all lady-boner at the thought of all of his ironic wordpress blogs.

"Crap, I'm so sorry!" he said in a haughty, aloof voice.

"That's all right. What's your name." I questioned.

"Uh, it's Harry Potter, although you might know me as Hipster these days." he told me, rolling his eyes. "It's kind of a weird nickname, I know, the Weasley twins made it up..."

"Why."

"Because of the glasses, I think." he laughed. "I mean, I do like strange music, I doubt anyone else has heard of some of it, but -"

"Well, I probably have." I challenged.

"Oh yeah?" he said cheerfully, though he was probably upset that someone else liked the same bands as him. I was a little pissed, too.

"Yeah." I groaned. "Sorry."

We sat down to compare indie bands for a while. Then Draco came up behind me and told me he had a surprise for me so I went away with him, a bit reluctantly.

**Chapter 7.**

Draco and I brushed hands every once in a while as we went upstairs. I waved to Hipster on the way out of the hall, noticing that he looked pretty concerned and confused, as usual. I guess he was jealous of me that I was doing art and stuff with Draco. Anyway, I went upstairs with Draco and we went into his room and locked the door. Then…

We started speaking French passively _(this was a wonderful typo on Tara's part, I didn't have to change a thing)_ and then he took off all his clothes and I took out my sketchbook and I began to draw him like one of my French girls.

"Oh Draco, Draco." I murmured, musing on the quality of his charcoal pencils, when all of a sudden I saw a tattoo I had never seen before on Draco's arm. It was a poserish soft-grunge cross with the word 'Hipster' written on it, and I could totally tell it was so not ironic.

Hipster Potter? Was that what that meant? I didn't even think that maybe Draco just had a thing for the hipster subculture and had decided to ink it onto his arm. My mind immediately went to the adorable guy I met earlier, and boy, did it piss me off.

"Dude... what is that." I shouted angrily, throwing the pencil to the ground.

"Let me explain that." Draco pleaded. But I knew too much.

"No, you 'tard." I shouted. Being politically correct is so played out. "You probably have AIDs anyway."

See?

I ripped up the naked picture all huffily and then stomped out. Draco ran out after me, even though he was naked. It was unfortunate, because now the entire world would see his tiny penis, but I was too mad to care. I stomped casually out and raged internally down the hallway until I was in Hipster's classroom, where he was having a lesson with Professor Snape and some other people who are not important enough to mention.

"Hipster Potter, what the fuck."


	3. 8-10

_This chapter not sponsored by Swiffer or anyone else._

**Chapter 8.**

Everyone in the class stared at me and then Draco came into the room even though he was naked and started begging me to take him back.

"No one calls me that! It's just a stupid nickname!" Hipster exclaimed.

"Aquamarine, it's not what you think." Draco screamed sadly.

My friend B'lack Keys Smilliams smiled at me, totally backing me up with her silence. She flipped her long waist-length auburn hair and blinked her granite grey eyes at me. Unfortunately for her, she couldn't be as naturally pallid as me, so she was wearing white makeup, totally poserishly. Luckily, she has a sob story to explain her actions. B'lack Keys was kidnapped when she was born. Her real parents are totally Bohemian (and one of them is a witch), but Voldemort killed her mother and then her father committed suicide for the sheer irony of the thing. She's over it. It also turns out her real last name is Smilliams, not Granger, and she chose to take it to be ironic. It's great. Smilliams is possibly the dumbest name I can think of. See? I told you she was cool.

"What is it that you desire, you ridiculous dimwit?" Snape snapped angrily in his cold voice, but I ignored him.

"Hipster, I can't believe you cheated on me with Draco." I said flatly to him.

Everyone snickered. What a group of homophobes.

Then I felt a pain in my temple, and all of a sudden I could hear Draco's thoughts in my head.

_I don't know why Aquamarine was so mad at me. I had had a blood feud with Harry for a while but then he broke my heart. He dumped me because he liked Ginny, a stupid poser fucker. We were just awkward friends now. He still hasn't really gone through that musical revelation that comes with puberty and makes you indie as fuck, but I'm sure he's cool, right?_

Why was Draco calling him Harry? His name is Hipster. I just renamed him. Duh.

"But I was never going out with Draco!" cried Hipster. "You're being totally irrational, Aqua."

"I am so not being irrational. I'm being ironic and also a bit sad. Get it." I screamed. I ran out of the room and into the Forbidden Forest where I had just frolicked with Draco and then I started to ironically burst into tears.

**Chapter 9.**

I was still crying a few hours later. At this point, I didn't even know why anymore. Then suddenly a weird goth dude with red eyes and no nose and stuff started flying towards me on a Swiffer WetJet! He kinda looked exactly like Voldemort in the movie and he was wearing all black in a totally uncool emo way. My amazing powers of observation were telling me that it was probably Voldemort!

"Heavy." I mumbled in a condescending voice but then Voldemort shouted "Imperius!" and I couldn't run away.

"Crookshanks." I shouted at him, summoning an army of fat ginger cats to claw off his face. Voldemort fell of his broom and started to scream. After a few minutes of drowning out the screeching with some Mag Seven, I felt a bit bored so I stopped.

"Aquamarine." he yelled, scraping himself off the ground. "You gotta kill Harry Potter, yo!"

I thought about Hipster and ironic glasses and his dorky black hair and how his face looks kinda like Ezra Koenig but not really. I remembered that Draco had said I didn't understand, and then I realized: what if Draco went out with Hipster before I went out with him and they broke up?

Ohhhhhh. Wow, I'm a bitch.

"Yeah, no, not gonna happen." I said back.

Voldemort gave me a magic gun that shoots magic bullets. "Seriously, back the fuck up." I begged.

"Brah, you gotta!" he yelled. "An' if you don't, den I's gon' shank yo boyfran', dat Draco bitch!"

"Wait. What." I asked in a mildly-surprised-but-not-really way.

"Dude-ur-so-retarded." said Voldemort. "I got telekinesis, yo!"

"Telepathy." I mumbled under my breath condescendingly.

"An' if you don't kill Hipster's ass, den you know what's gon' happen ta Draco, biatch!" he shouted. Then he flew away angrily on his Swiffer.

I was so confused I didn't know what to do. Suddenly Draco came running into the woods.

"Draco." I said. "The fuck are you doing here."

"I saw you run in here." he said back, but his face was all sad behind his stoic hipster expression. He was wearing one of my skirts and looked super dorky, kind of like a hipster triangle between Nate Ruess and Ben Gibbard and Jessie J.

"Are you okay." I asked, ironically concerned.

"No." he answered.

"I'm sorry I got all mad at you but I thought you cheated on me.".

"That's okay." he said, sounding bored, and we went back into Hogwarts together talking about how played out flower crowns are.

**Chapter 10.**

I was kind of but not really scared about Voldemort all day. I was even upset when I went to rehearsals with my indie band, Shiny Bohemian Cinderblock 173. I'm the lead singer, and I play ironic harmonica. People say that we sound like a hipster triangle between The Lumineers, Cannibal Corpse, and Nicki Minaj. The other people in the band are B'lack Keys, Hipster, Draco, Ron (although we call him Pabst now, due to his alcoholism) and Hagrid. Only today Draco and Hipster were busy so they weren't coming, and we wrote songs instead. I knew Draco was probably fashion blogging, and Hipster was probably doing homework or something totally ironic and unexpected of him. God, I love that kid, even if he hasn't shown up to a single rehearsal. Sometimes I wonder if he even knows he's in the band.

Since I'm totally obsessed with my appearance, I had to change my clothes again. I put on a recycled denim sweater-vest that made me look like a dorky grad student's grandma and a pair of wide-leg tweed pants. You might think I'm a loser, but it's called being fashion-forward. Get it.

We were singing a cover of Kishi Bashi's 'Manchester' and at the end of the song I suddenly forgot the words.

"Aquamarine. Are you okay." B'lack Keys asked in a concerned voice.

"Meh." I said. "I mean, I met Voldemort and he's a total rap dork, and now I guess I'm supposed to kill Hipster. So I was like, fuck no. But then Voldemort said if I don't kill Hipster then he'd kill Draco and I'd be responsible for a murder either way." I shrugged.

Suddenly Draco jumped out from behind a wall.

"Dude, what the fuck." B'lack Keys said.

"Why didn't you tell me." he shouted. "I'm the one who's gonna die because you're a heartless bitch, not B'lack Keys, why is she even in this story."

I shrugged. Draco whipped out his phone and made a cryptic tumblr post about it. Then he ran out crying for whatever reason.

We practiced for one more hour. Then suddenly Dumbledore walked in angrily! His eyes were all fiery and I knew this time it wasn't 'cause of me.

At least I hoped it wasn't 'cause of me.

"What have you done!" He started to cry wisely. "Aquamarine, Draco has been found in his room. He committed suicide by listening to Usher's latest album."

"Dude, heavy." I replied.


	4. 11-12

**Chapter 11.**

I was a little, like, whaaaaat? B'lack Keys tried to comfort me and I was all, "Draco's right, like seriously, what are you even doing in this story" and she ran to her room crying. I then passively stormed away with Dumbledore following me but he had to stop when I went into my room because of all the booby traps.

Anyway, I started crying ironic tears of PBR and then I busied myself with making more friendship bracelets out of hemp and shells. I was feeling real relaxed about then, so I took a cold bath (water heaters are killing the planet, get it) while I put on a My Morning Jacket song at full volume. You might think I wasn't really affected by the whole Draco-suicide thing, but, you know, I respect the irony of the thing. And I already used of of my emotions on Voldemort this morning. I got out of the bathtub and put on a new sand-colored lace dress and little bamboo flip flops. Then I looked out the window and raised my eyebrows condescendingly… Snape was spying on me and with a video camera! And Lupin was masticating some Wonderful Pistachios to it! They were sitting on their Swiffer WetJets.

"Dude, the fuck are you doing." I said, putting a towel around my shoulders as a cape because by then I was already dressed. Capes are so cool. Suddenly Hipster ran INTO MY BEDROOM WHAT THE FUCK GET OUT.

"Abra Kedavra!" he yelled at Snape and Lupin, thrusting his pelvis at them. I took my gun and shot Snape and Lupin a gazillion times and they both started screaming and the camera broke.

"Wait, what. No one's dead. Is this a fake gun. Cheap-ass Voldemort giving me a broken-ass gun."

Suddenly, Dumbledore ran in. "Aquamarine, it has been revealed that someone has - NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" he shouted, looking at Snape and Lupin, and then he waved his wand and suddenly…

Hagrid ran outside on his Swiffer WetJet and said everyone we need to talk.

"Everyone, we need to talk." said Hagrid.

Dumbledore sniffed condescendingly. "What do you know, Hagrid? You're just a little Hogwarts student!"

"Wait, if Hagrid's a student then who's watching all the magical creatures." I asked Hipster, who shrugged. In the background, a group of escaped hippogriffs tore a few first-years to bits and a few nifflers began to dig holes in the foundation of the school.

"I may be a Hogwarts student..." Hagrid paused ironically. "but I'm also a hipster."

"That's obvious," Snape said, voice dripping with sarcasm, as blood dripped from his hand where Dumbledore's wand had shot him. "but there must be other factors as to why you're here."

"Yeah. What's this about." I interjected.

Lupin held up the camera trium-elephant!-ly _(comedy gold courtesy of Tara)_. "The lens may be ruined, but the tape is still there!"

I felt faint, probably because all I'd eaten today was a few sips of vegan fungus-based juice.

"Why are you doing this?" Lupin said angrily while he rubbed his dirty hands on the clock he was carrying.

What came next was fully expected and kind of made me want to drain the blood from Hagrid's body.

"Because..." Hagrid said, pausing for emphasis, and waved his wand in the air. Then he swooped in singing an Americana version of a song by 50 Cent.

"Because you're country?" Snape asked in a little afraid voice because he was afraid it meant he was connected with Taylor Swift, the succubus demon woman herself.

"Because I love her."

Oh, Jesus fucking christ.

**Chapter 12.**

I was about to chop his fucking head off with the silver palate knife that Draco had left in my room the last time we'd had an art session. He had told me to use it valiantly against an enemy or whatever that meant, and I felt like defending my fragile virginity qualified.

ABWUPT TWANSITION!

Anyway, I was in the school nurse's office now because Dumbledore had decided that I was in shock. Snape and Lupin and Hagrid were there too. They were going to St. Mango's (not to be confused with the wizarding hospital, St. Mango's is a specialty prison where they're allowed to viciously spank the inmates for their offenses) after they recovered because, you know, kinks and stuff. Dumbledore had confiscated the video they took of me in the bathtub. As they leered at me from across the room, I rolled my eyes at them.

Anyway, Hagrid came in and crawled into my hospital bed holding a bouquet of cala lilies.

"Aquamarine, I need to tell you something." he said in a serious voice, giving me the flowers.

"Whatever." I told him. "But you should know that the concept of giving girls flowers is outdated and misogynistic and lilies are totally mainstream anyway."

"No, Aquamarine." Hagrid said. "Those are not flowers."

"What, are they hipsters too, you grunge poser." I asked, because, you know, continuity.

"I saved your life." he mumbled angrily.

"No, you didn't." I replied. "You didn't even save me from porn. Hipster Potter and Dumbledore got there , like, way before you."

He pointed his wand at the cala lilies. "These aren't lilies." He looked at them with his listless hipster eyes and muttered "your greatest hits 2006 little list maker."

"That's not a spell, that's an Vampire Weekend song." I corrected him condescendingly.

"I know, I was just warming up my vocal cords." Then he said. "Capeus Codeus Kwassius Kwassius."

"Also a Vampire Weekend song." I muttered.

And then, when he thought I wasn't looking, he cast a real spell. And then the flowers all caught fire. Now I knew absolutely nothing more about him other than that he sucked at magic.

"Seriously, cut the crap, where's Draco."

Hagrid rolled his eyes. I looked at the burning lilies, not sure what I was expected to see.

"U c, Aquamarine," Dumbledore said as he appeared out of nowhere, watching the two of us watching the flame. "to c wht iz n da flmes u mst find urslf 1st, k?"

"I've already found myself, Dumbledork. Shove off." Hagrid yelled. Dumbledore looked shocked. I guess he didn't have a headache or else he would have said something back. Hagrid stormed off back into his bed. "Fuckin' liars and their fuckin' lies."

Anyway, when I got better, I went upstairs and put on a ripped old paint-stained denim shirt and a pair of my dad's old chinos for an "artist chic" sort of look. I messed up my hair so as to look even more grungy, because not caring about hygiene is cool now. Get it.

"You look ntxim hlub, girl." B'lack Keys said, because Japanese is so last year and everyone cool speaks Hmong now.

"Incisors, (geddit) you do too." I replied, but I was still a little woozy from all the drugs I'd just been on. I drank some kale juice and then I ACTUALLY WENT TO CLASS FOR ONCE IN MY LIFE OH MY MORNING JACKET. Hipster was in Care of Magical Magic Creatures with me. He looked all bored and stuff (ironically, I assume), probably because Draco had disappeared and he had used to be in love with Draco. He was drinking something that looked like pumpkin juice but was probably orange potato puree or something totally indie.

"Hi!" he exclaimed when he saw me.

"Whatever."

We both stared at each other for some time, because it's so current to have conversations without using words. Just as I began to notice how concerned and confused he was looking, I had a sudden realization that Hipster was my second chance at love and immediately jumped on top of him, shouting something about how he could totally be my hand model for the finger painting project I was doing later.

"STOP IT NOW, YOU ARTISTIC SIMPLETONS!" shouted Professor McGoggle, who was watching us. Professor McGonagall was also there, and she nodded in agreement.

"Dude, quit trying to paint with me. You know Draco was my one and only muse." I said, and then I ran away angrily.

Just then he gasped and bent over in pain. "Augh! My scar!" he murmured, just so I could barely hear.

"Pain is so not cool." I reminded him. He must have been really affected by this realization because he came right back, panting and sweating, like, gross.

"Aquamarine, I had a vision." he whispered to me. "I know what's happening to Draco... Voldemort is holding him in a hella kinky S&M sitch."


	5. 13-16

**Chapter 13.**

Dragging Hipster behind me, I ran up the stairs looking for Dumbledore. We were kind of but not really that scared.

"Dumbledore." I said, all cool and blase. Dumbledore stepped out of his office.

"What is it that you want now you despicable snobs?" he asked angrily.

"Grumpy much. Anyways, Voldemort has Draco." I told him.

He laughed in super OOC evil voice.

"Can you not." I begged.

"No." he said meanly. "I don't give a darn what Voldemort does to Draco. Not after how much he misbehaved in school especially with YOU Aquamarine." He frowned, looking at me. "Besides I never liked him that much anyway." Then he walked away.

"Like, suck." I exclaimed. Which is the hipster way to say "that like totally sucks." Most people use too many words nowadays.

Hipster looked concerned. "What are you going to do?" he asked me.

"Yeah, I don't really know or care." I told him reassuringly, knowing that he was probably upset because he was still in love with Draco. And then he smiled.

"I've got an idea!" he exclaimed.

"What." I asked him.

"You'll see." he said. He took out his wand and did an apparation spell. Then suddenly we were in a dark cave that looked like a super stereotypical villain lair. I rolled my eyes from the sheer mainstreamness of it all.

Hipster frowned. "Wait, no, that was totally wrong. I meant to go to Honeydukes. Ugh, curse my parents for having me in August so I wasn't old enough to learn to apparate with my friends!"

We walked in with our wands drawn, just in time heard a voice say "Allah Kedavra, yo!"

It was Voldemort!

...Maybe.

**Chapter 14.**

We ran to where Voldemort was, only as it turns out it wasn't actually him. Instead, the fat guy who killed Cedric was standing before us. Draco was there crying ironic tears of PBR. Snaketail was torturing him. Hipster and I ran in front of Snaketail.

"Get yo poser ass outta my sight, yo!" he shouted as we started shooting him with my lame-ass toy gun. Then suddenly he looked at me and he fell down with a lovey-dovey look in his eyes. "A-to-the-Marinizzle, you's flyer den a G6 an' I's gon' slay dat sexxy piece'a fine boho booty, yo." he said.

"Come again." I muttered.

"Aquamarine, I love you, will you paint me like one of your french girls?" translated Hipster.

I let out a snide laugh. "The fuck is your deal. I only paint guys with ironic beards and cool glasses. Get it."Then I stabbed him in the heart with my bare hands.

"Nooooooooooooo, yo!" he screamed, dying instantly. I didn't know what to do next so I began to cry ironically.

"Snake-tizzle, what'cho ass doin'?" called Voldemort from somewhere in the lair. All of a sudden I could hear his footsteps in the hall, those lame pink stiletto heels clacking towards us. So we jumped on our Swiffer WetJets and we flew to Hogwarts. I brought Draco up to my room and he licked the PBR tears off my cheeks.

"What's up." asked Draco, putting on some of my clothes for my next feminist role-reversal photography project. He had a pale and underdeveloped chest, perfect for wearing my crop tops and everything.

"It's so unfair." I said. "Why am I so artistic and creative and cool. I wish I could just be boring and oblivious to all the woes of the world, like all those stupid fucking goff kids."

"That's stupid." answered Draco eloquently.

"Yeah, but everyone is in love with me and wants me to paint them. Like Snape and Lupin took a video of me naked. Hagrid says he's in love with me. Hipster likes me and now even Snaketail is in love with me. I just wanna paint you, Draco. You're the only one who looks good in sepia. I'm just good at too many things and I try to remember the starving children but sometimes I think it's a curse." I shouted and then I ran away.

"That's true, actually, I saw Seamus Finnegan slip some random potion into your kale juice this morning." he muttered under his breath, but I was already gone.

**Chapter 15.**

"Aquamarine." said Draco. "Come back, I'm excited for the potential of this project."

But I was too mad.

"Have Hipster take the pictures." I shouted. I stormed into my OTHER room, not the one we were just in, and closed my organic bamboo door with my key. On the back of the door was a Iron and Wine poster. He looked so indie in a way that reminded me of how much I wished Draco and Hipster would grow beards. I started to cry tears of PBR. I took a razor and started to slit some paper for a papercut scrapbook page. Then I looked at my ironic pocketwatch and noticed it was time to go to Biology class, where we would be learning transfiguration.

I put on a pair of thrift-store board shorts and a peasant blouse with a pair of ripped old used Converse. I tossed my messy hair into a bun. Then I went downstairs looking all condescending and bored as usual. I did some advanced Biology work, which meant I was turning a Nirvana vinyl into a ironic banjo. Suddenly the banjo turned to a banjo with Draco's head stuck to it, which meant I failed the assignment. Fuck.

"Aquamarine, I love your watercolor renditions of Aimee Mann album covers." the Draco banjo shouted sadly. "I don't care what the critics say. You're the most amazing artist in a two mile radius. Before I met you I used to listen to bands like The Lumineers and Coldplay, and now I only want to listen to underground middle-Australian classical bands with you." Then the banjo started to play "Florida" by Princeton in front of the whole class. The Draco head's singing voice was mediocre at best and sounded like Bob Dylan. I rolled my eyes.

"The real Draco's outside, BTdubs." he said after he was finished. I left class because I was bored anyways and met Draco in the courtyard.

"Hey." I said and then we took Instagram photos of each other and compared filters. Then we went away holding hands. Lupin shouted at us but he stopped because everyone was confused by how we were getting wifi on the Hogwarts campus. Then I saw a poster saying that Vampire Weekend would have a concert in Hogsmeade right then. We looked at each other all confused because we hadn't heard of this earlier, but, you know, for the sake of the story, we went together.

**Chapter 16.**

We were almost off-campus when I stopped him. "Wait, no. Hold the phone. I can't go." I told him. "Not after what happened to me last time. Even if it's Vampire Weekend, and you know how much I like them."

"What, because we…you know…" he stuttered, because guys don't like to talk about art and stuff.

"Yeah, because we 'you know'." I mocked him condescendingly

"We won't do that again." Draco promised. "This time, we're going with an ESCORT."

"Dude, what, are you giving into the mainstream." I asked. "Wait, what does that even mean."

"No." he muttered loudly.

"Literally who's our escort." I replied.

"Aquamarine, please come with me." He fell down to his knees and started singing "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star" for me.

"Fine, just give me a little while to get ready." I said just to make him stop, and then I returned to the dormitories.

B'lack Keys was standing next to my door when I arrived upstairs. "Muaj dab tsi, gurl." she said unenthusiastically (we both speak Hmong because Japanese is way too mainstream). "Hey, remember your best friend Willowtree. Well, she got expelled because she failed all her classes and you didn't even notice she was gone so some friend you are."

"Oh. Okay. Whatever." I said passively.

We decided to watch a few Wes Anderson movies before the concert. After we finished Rushmore, I turned to B'lack Keys. "Maybe Willowtree didn't get expelled. Maybe she died and the school's trying to cover it up." I said.

"Ntxim hlub." B'lack Keys shook her head lethargically. "Oh yeah, I have a confession: after she got expelled I murdered her and then Lupin fucked her corpse because he's a necrophiliac."

"Wait, what. Seriously."

"Fuck no, Aqua. You can be so weird sometimes." We sat in silence for the rest of Moonrise Kingdom.

"Hey Keys, I'm going to a concert with Draco tonight in Hogsmeade. Vampire Weekend." I said. "Are you coming."

B'lack Keys nodded. "Maybe we should go shopping or something."

"Yeah. Let's hit the thrift store." I said, already getting out my consignment store punch card (buy $50 worth of used clothes, get the satisfaction of being better than all your friends!).

"No." My head snapped up.

"We're not going to the wizard mall, are we."

"Fuck no." She laughed. "I found some cool indie stores near Hogwarts, that's all."

"Who told you about them" I asked, sure it would be Draco or Pabst or Hipster. Or me.

"Dumbledore." she said. "Let me just call our Swiffers."

"Dumbledore." I asked quietly.

"Sort of. I saw the map for Hogsmeade on his desk." she told me. "Come on, let's go."

We were going to a few super underground stores. Literally, one was actually underground and required us to dig a hole to get in. The salesperson was even indier than Jeff Tweedy except not, because come on, and he gave me a few dresses made from recycled mule hair. "We only have these for the real hipsters."

"Real hipsters." B'lack Keys asked.

"How can you tell we're real hipsters."

He smirked. "Name one Lana Del Rey song."

"Off To The Races." B'lack Keys stated confidently. I scoffed.

"Ew, as if I'd ever listen to that sellout bitch."

He smiled at me, stroking his neckbeard. "Well, as long as she's with you, you guys are good. You wouldn't believe how many posers there are in this town, man. Yesterday Lupin and Snape tried to buy a indie camera strap." He shook his head. "I didn't even know they had a camera. And I was like, well, just because you own a film camera, it doesn't make you a photographer, am I right. And then -"

"Yeah, no, they just spy on me and shit." I droned, stepping out of the changing room in a baggy sack dress that the salesperson had literally just made for me by cutting a neck hole into a potato sack.

"You look so individual." he said.

"Yeah, it looks totally instagrammable." said B'lack Keys.

"You know what. I'm gonna give it to you free because it is literally just a bag I took out of the garbage. Hey, are you gonna be at the concert tonight." he asked.

"Yeah, I am, actually." I looked back at him. "Hey, by the way, my name's Aquamarine Sara Spiritwolf Shindell Mann, what's yours."

"Tom Rid." he said and ran a hand through his greasy dreads. "Maybe I'll see you there tonight. I totally love that song 'A-Punk'."

"Yeah, no, you ruined it." I scoffed, but before he could fix his stupid mistake, Hagrid flew in on his Swiffer WetJet looking worried.

"Aquamarine, you need to come back to the castle now or whatever."


	6. 17-19

_The author of this abomination has a massive crush on Ezra Koenig which might come out in the next chapter a bit. Be warned._

**Chapter 17.**

Tom Rid (the 'dle' is silent) gave us some clothes and stuff for free. We begged him for makeup help and he got really angry that we assumed he was into that stuff just because he was gay and all. Hagrid kept shouting at us to come back to Hogwarts. "Legit, Hagrid, get off my case." I told him. He flew away, and then out of the corner of my eye I spotted Willowtree!

"Willow, what's good. Heard you got expelled."

She smiled. "Yeah, that was dumb, but my daddy got me a cottage in Hogsmeade so I can keep seeing you guys. You look ntxim hlub, by the way." she said.

"I know. So do you." I answered sadly because Willowtree's actually a lot prettier than me and everything. She wore a slutty white lace top, a big baggy sweater, and ripped men's jeans. She had a really nice body with big ears and everything, even though she was totally underweight and anemic.

"So are you going to the concert with Draco." she asked.

"Yeah." I replied.

"I'm going with Pabst." she answered happily. "Here's hoping I can keep him away from the Blue Ribbon tonight so he remembers who I am."

We talked for a while until Draco and Pabst came to pick us up. They were both looking extremely indie, and you couldn't really tell what they thought of us through their stoic hipster expressions. Pabst wore a kilt (so current, right?) and a Neutral Milk Hotel t-shirt, and Draco was wearing hemp pants and a really ironic looking poncho. The knee-high combat boots looked awesome with it.

Gosh, my boys have such great fashion sense.

B'lack Keys would be going to the concert with Navel Orange. Navel used to be called Neville, but it turned out that he was kidnapped at birth by his crazy grandma and his parents were travelling gypsies. Navel Orange went totally hipster when he was reunited with them and chose the nickname to be "one with nature". Tonight, he was wearing an Airborne Toxic Event shirt, ripped jeggings and the tiny cape from a child's Batman costume, all purchased at the thrift store.

After we finished comparing outfits we all went to Draco's flying hybrid car that his porn-star dad Luscious gave him. We made sculptures out of mud and berries and took insta pics of them. Willowtree found six different flasks underneath Pabst's kilt and yelled at him for the rest of the ride until we arrived.

Ohmigod Ezra.

It was like all the cool in me just drained out at the sight of his sweet holy gorgeousness and all of a sudden I was DANCING and SHOUTING and BEING ENTHUSIASTIC ABOUT THINGS and I might have CRIED A LITTLE. We danced to "Unbelievers" and all the other songs we loved.

Suddenly, Ezra pulled off his mask. So did the other members of the band that the author doesn't know the names of. I gasped a little. It wasn't Vampire Weekend at all! It was an ugly poser man with no nose and red eyes. In an instant I was back to my old unenthusiastic self again. Everyone ran away but me, because I knew who it was...Voldemort and Da Deth Deelers!

"Y'all foo's, yo!" he shouted. "A-dawg, you was sappos'd'a shank dat Harry Potter's ass. You done failed, dawg! An' now I's gon' kill yo ass, an' dat Draco bitch!"

"Learn to speak, retard." I begged, but he took out his knife.

Suddenly, a weird gothic old man flew in on his Swiffer WetJet. He had long black hair and a long black loaf of bread under his long black beard. He was wearing a black robe with a picture of Avril Lavigne taped to the back. He shouted a spell and Voldemort and Da Deth Deelers vanished. It was...

Dumbledore?

**Chapter 18.**

I woke up the next day in my room with no knowledge of how I'd gotten there. Without taking time to think about it, I got dressed in one of my new potato sack shirts and a giant maxi skirt that was literally just a bedsheet I'd tied around my waist. It's called "Trash Chic". Get it.

Well, anyway, I went down to the Great Hall for breakfast. The whole place had gotten a really weird makeover while I'd been sleeping. Everything had been painted black and pink, totally emo and stuff. And there were posters of lame emo bands everywhere, like Good Charlotte and My Chemical Romance.

"How long was I out." I asked, going to sit next to B'lack Keys and Willowtree. B'lack Keys was wearing a hemp jacket over a NBRHD t-shirt, white lace tights and a pair of wooden flipflops. Willowtree was wearing a long dress made of braided grass and rain boots and a McDonalds visor. Navel Orange and Draco came and joined us. We started to talk about who had the better Interior Dec collections on Pinterest, and the boys joined in because they were artsy.

"I'm telling you, the found look is overdone." Navel Orange was saying, when suddenly a gothic old man with a black beard and everything came. He was the same one who had chased away Voldemort yesterday. He had normal tan skin but he was wearing white foundation and he had dyed his pet hare black. And, you know, his hair was black too.

"Dumbledore." we all stated, acknowledging his presence.

"That's so weird." I whispered to Willowtree. "I thought he was just wearing that to disguise himself from Voldemort."

"Hello everyone!" he said happily. "As u can see I gave the room a makeover. What do u fink about it?"

Everyone everywhere in the entire castle rolled their eyes.

"BTW you can call me Albert." he called as we all left early for our classes.

"Do you think he has dementia or something." Draco asked quietly as we we to Transfiguration. "I mean, he forgot his own name." We were on our phones, liking each others' tumblr posts. Hipster looked really jealous. I could see him trying to cover up his pain in a totally indie way but I didn't say anything.

"I bet he's having a midlife crisis." Willowtree said by ways of explanation.

'Cause those can still happen at 150, right?

**Chapter 19.**

All day we sat thinking about what Navel Orange had said about the Found look being out and how that was going to affect our wardrobes. Well, I had one thing to look forward too - the ACTUAL Vampire Weekend concert. It had been postponed, so we could all go.

Anyway, I went to the common room sadly to cut classes. Draco was just hanging out there, doing a craft project involving rubber stamps.

I asked what was up and he got all mad at me and started crying all ironically and shit.

"No one understands me." he moaned, crying tears of PBR to a Belle & Sebastien song, as he angrily finger-painted pictures of black hares and blue eyes. I was concerned because he's usually a much better artist than that, too concerned even to care about what he was wearing at the moment.

"I like to think we sort of share a wavelength." I tried.

"Meh." he grunted.

"Or not, I guess." I answered, finding it hard to disguise my disappointment with apathy.

"Yeah, I don't know, sometimes you're kind of a bitch, Aqua."

I excused myself and walked placidly to the bathroom. Draco knocked on the door behind me. "I need to pee." he announced, but I ignored him. I whipped out a canvas from my back pocket and began to paint in feces and eyeliner. I was just getting started on the piece de resistance when I was rudely interrupted.

Suddenly Hagrid came. He just apparated into the bathroom on Hogwarts grounds, because he's a hipster and rules don't apply to us.

"Knock much." I complained, dropping my paintbrush.

Only it wasn't just Hagrid, someone else was with him too. For a second I wanted it to be Tom Rid(dle) or maybe Draco, someone totally hip and paintable, but it was fucking goth-freak loserface Dumbledork.

"Hey I need to ask you a question." he said in his weird text-talk voice, pulling out his black wannabe-goth man-purse. "What are u wearing to the concert?"

"Ugh, fuck it. You ruined it." I scoffed. "I can't believe you like Vampire Weekend."

"No I just saw there was a concert dat a lot of hipsters and goffs were going to." he said, which made me puke a little in my mouth. "Anyway Draco has a surprise for u."


	7. 20-22

**Chapter 20.**

All day I wondered what the surprise was. Meanwhile, I put on a skirt made of Burger King napkins, my mom's college sweatshirt, and a pair of old gym shoes I FOUND on the side of the road (take that, Navel Orange). Vampire Weekend were actually going to be at the show tonight, so I was really stoically excited. I then made a huge mess by deciding to splatter-paint my bookcase to a City & Colour song. Suddenly someone knocked on the door, totally throwing off my paint groove. Even though I was frustrated, I kinda hoped that it was Draco so he could help out (I had a lot of books to splat).

"Dude, what." I muttered. Lupin, of course. "Seriously, you need to stop creeping around little girls' rooms."

"That's no way to talk to a teacher." he growled angrily. "Anyways, I was wondering if I could borrow some Polaroid film."

"Yeah, so you can photograph your six-year-old girlfriend, huh." I replied sarcastically.

"Nevermind." he said, going away.

Now that I was alone, I wiped the rest of the paint all over my hair as a cool sort of fashion statement. Then I left to find Draco. As I turned the corner, my eyes exploded in my face. Snape and Lupin were in the middle of the empty hall, posing for artistic nudes, and Dobby was taking pictures!

"Oh my god, you ludacris idiot!" they both shouted angrily when they saw me, attempting to cover up. Dobby ran away crying and dropped the camera on the floor. I flipped through the digital pictures. They weren't all that good, but then again, nothing ever looks good on digital.

"Is that why you wanted film." I asked. "Oh, by the way, you need to adjust the white balance. I can see all your pores."

"You wouldn't lend me film." Lupin reminded me.

"You should have told me it was for artistic purposes. Here, take off the cloak and we'll take it from the top."

I shot a few more pictures of them with my film camera, which were, like, 800 times better than the others.

"I'll develop these in the dark room." I said, slipping the roll of film into my pocket. And then I took their digital camera too. "And I'll be needing this."

"Well, excuse me!" they both shouted angrily. "Give us our camera!"

"Yeah, I need this to blackmail you." I snarked. "So now, next time you see me doing art with my muse, you can't say anything or I'll show this to Dumbledork and he'll die at the horribleness of this filter. Have a nice day, now." I walked passively down the hall. They chased me, but I threw my wand at them since I never use it in this story and they tripped over it. I went outside and there was Hipster, looking extremely rumpled and disheveled.

"Hey, Hipster, have you seen Draco." I asked him.

"Oh, um, yeah, he said I should take you and maybe he'll meet us there?" Hipster said, shaking his head. "I mean, I don't really know the music, but I guess if you wanted some company..."

"Whatever." I said, and we hopped onto his Firebolt (Swiffer WetJets are too mainstream for a guy like Hipster) and flew to the concert hall. Vampire Weekend were there, playing.

Hipster and I began to dance to the music. Real Ezra was even prettier than Voldemort Ezra, and that voice was amazing and filled the whole hall. He sang 'Mansard Roof', and I may or may not have kissed Hipster on the jaw a little. He looked ironically perturbed.

As the show ended, though, I heard someone crying. I turned and saw Draco, crying tears of PBR in a corner.

**Chapter 21.**

After we returned to the school, I left Draco crying in the common room. "Do you want me to put you to bed." I asked. "You know, 'cause that's not sexist or anything."

"Forget it." he mumbled placidly and left of his own accord. I was kind of afraid he'd badmouth me on tumblr, but I wasn't sure why that would be.

And then I realized that it was totally because I almost kissed Hipster at that show when the music touched me so much it relit the fires of my dead enthusiasm. But I don't really know why Draco would think we were exclusive.

"D'you think he'll be okay?" asked Hipster comfortingly. "I mean, I'm a guy, he's a guy, we can probably put our differences aside long enough for me to go talk to him for you-"

"What. As in you'll go jerk him off or something. Yeah, no. I'm coming." I replied harshly. Then I ran to get Draco. Hipster followed me.

"Of course not! I liked Ginny!" he cried. "Then we broke up, but still!"

And then we heard some footsteps, which was a problem because we were out after hours. Hipster whipped out his invisibility cloak and threw it over us. Mr. Norris, the cat-person hybrid janitor, arrived on the landing, shouting angrily with a flashlight in his hand.

"Who's there?" he shouted angrily. The smaller cat-person he carried jumped from his arms and stuck his ugly cat-person head under the cloak. He started to meow loudly. "Is anyone there?" yelled Mr. Norris.

"Wait, so you're single." I whispered in Hipster's ear.

"Yeah. I had to break up with Ginny because of the prophecy. Can't get over her." Hipster answered, a sad look in his eyes.

"Who's that talking?" yelled Mr. Norris. Then he heard Filch meow. "Filch, dear, is there anyone hiding invisibly?" he asked. Filch nodded.

"I think I can help with that little problem." I told Hipster, and put my hand on the small of his back and pulled him close and began to Spanish-kiss him, because the French kiss is old and overdone.

I was so into how good at kissing I was and Hipster was so alarmed that we didn't even see Mr. Norris take off the cloak.

"You!" he yelled but we took off running before he could stop us.

"Don't mention that to Draco." I ordered Hipster, who nodded, seeming dazed.

And then we saw Draco crying and making grass weavings outside of the school. "Draco." I said quietly. "How are things."

"Whatever." Draco said stoically. I waved to Hipster and Draco and I returned to his room to talk about how stupid the vinyl revival was. I looked out the window and saw a group of wizards in cloaks walking into the school.

**Chapter 22.**

For the rest of the day, the Ministry of Magic was on everyone's mind. I woke up the next morning wearing ivory lace hemp pajamas. When I opened my eyes, standing in front of me were B'lack Keys, Hipster, Pabst, Draco, Navel Orange, and Willowtree.

"Seriously, do we need to redefine privacy." I muttered, getting out of bed to analyze the outfits of my loyal followers.

Willowtree was wearing a fishnet top made of actual fish nets and a pair of janitor pants, and a pair of rubber waders. I complimented her on the fish theme.

Hipster was wearing his Hogwarts robes, which was so unexpected for a huge hipster such as himself.

Draco was wearing a baggy Autumn Defense t-shirt and a miniskirt and no shoes. He looked just like a pre-teen girl, with slightly bigger boobs.

B'lack Keys was wearing a white apron smock thing that she'd written Vampire Weekend lyrics all over, kind of like this mentally insane hobo I met in London once.

Ginny (which is what we call Ginny) was there too. She was wearing a ripped dress with paint all over it and lace-up cloth boots. So were Fred and George, but Fred looked best in the dress. We'd always known that Arthur Weasley was totally indie, and I guess after the divorce he sort of rubbed off on them all.

"Aquamarine, something is really fucked up." Draco said.

"Whatever. Lemme get dressed." I drawled.

"It's all right. We have to go now and you look ntxim hlub anyway." B'lack Keys complained.

"Fine." I muttered. "But you have to tell me why you're being all secretive."

They all shrugged.

So I just left with them, bedhead and all. We all went outside the Great Hall and spied from a widow. Next to us was a Gryffindor girl named Zoey Brooks who bore striking resemblance to Jamie Lynn Spears and was wearing a 2004 purple shirt-on-shirt and bell-bottom jeans. We all high-fived her for how out-of-style she was. Inside the Great Hall we could see Dumbledork. Cornelia Fuck was there shouting at him. Rumbleroar was there too.

"RARRRRRR!" Rumbleroar snarled.

"The school must be closed." Fuck translated angrily. "The Dork Lord is planning to kill the students!"

"MEOW MEOW ROARRR!"

"You are not fit to be the principal any longer! You are too old and your Alzheimer's is dangerous. You must retire at once."

"Very well." Dumbledork said angrily. "Butt we cannot do this. We can't close the school. There is only one person who is capable of killing Voldemort and they are in the school. And their name is...Aquamarine Sara Spiritwolf Shindell Mann."

He paused. "Wait, fuck. Harry Potter. I meant Harry Potter. I can't undo this, can I. Fuck. Fucking shit."

Draco, Fred, George, Ginny, Willowtree, and B'lack Keys looked at Hipster, who looked at me. I shrugged.

"Whatever."


	8. 23-25

**Chapter 23.**

The door opened and Rumbleroar and Cornelia Fuck stomped out angrily. Then Dumbledork and Rumbleroar saw us.

"ROAAARRRRRR!" Rumbleroar shouted angrily. Dumbledork glared at him.

"Oops he made a mistake!" he corrected him in his weird text-talk voice. "he means hi everybody cum in!"

Well, we all followed suit along with all the other students. I sat between Ginny and Draco and opposite B'lack Keys. Fred and George started to make some Electric Presidents jokes. They both looked exactly like James and Oliver Phelps. I ate some organic granola and drank some pureed bok choy. Then I heard someone shouting angrily. I looked behind me - it was…Hipster? He and Draco were fighting with each other.

"Emotions are not cool." I reminded Draco, who shrugged.

"Chill, Potter." he said. "Yelling is so overrated."

Hipster frowned. "And what would you know, Malfoy, you prat?"

"You're no longer part of the prophecy." replied Draco. "I'm no longer obligated to respect you."

Dude, what were they even talking about? All I know is it didn't have to do with me, so I was a little confused as to why it was happening in my story.

"You don't have to. But now that I've been spending so much more time around you, I've got some information on your little side project." said Hipster. And then Draco jumped on him. They started to fight and beat up each other.

Dumbledore yelled at them but they didn't stop. All of a sudden, a terrible man with red eyes and no nose flew in on his Swiffer WetJet. All the glass in all of the windows exploded. Zoey Brooks started to cry. Hipster and Draco stopped fighting. I stopped eating. Everyone gasped. The room fell silent... Voldemort!

"A-Dawg!" Darth Vader, who was also there, shouted. "Y'all done failed yo' mission. Now I's gon' kill you an' I gon' shank Hipster too! So you best kill him now or I's gon' kill Draco, yo!"

"You're not even in this story." I reminded him, and he flew away.

"Whatever, yo!" Voldemort laughed crudely. "Kill him, or I gon' kill him anyway!" Then he flew away cackling.

I started to cry tears of PBR. Draco came to comfort me. Suddenly my eyes rolled back in a totally lame gothic way. I had a vision: a bolt of lightning flashed through the sky, and there in the Hogwarts courtyard was Voldemort, coming to kill Draco while Draco mixed tracks on his ironic turntables.

"Oh." I muttered disinterestedly.

"Aquamarine, are you alright." asked Draco.

"Yeah, yeah." I stood and brushed crumbs off my pajama pants..

"Something's not right here." said Hipster all concerned, whipping out his wand.

PBR kept running down my cheeks. Pabst tried to lick my face, and I punched him in the nose.

"Dude, it's all good." said B'lack Keys. "But you might wanna ask Professor Sinatra about the visions."

"Yeah, whatever." I said, and we went to class.

**Chapter 24.**

Both of us had Deviation next, so I got to ask Professor Sinatra about the visions. Trelawney had retired, so now the ghost of Frank Sinatra taught the class. It was kind of awesome.

"Good afternoon, everybody, come in." announced Professor Sinatra. He smelled at me with his long nose and then smiled at me with his mouth. Basically, he's the coolest fucking teacher ever. Today he was wearing a cool vintage dress suit and shined shoes. We entered his cool hipster coffeeshop classroom. I half-raised my hand as soon as I sat down, keeping my wrist limp so as not to seem too eager. I was wearing chipped Polish nail polish, which is better than British nail polish, because, like, hello.

"What is it, Aquamarine?" he asked. "Hey, I love your nail polish. Where'd you get it, Estonia?"

"Poland." I answered. All the retards who didn't know where Poland was gave me weird looks. I rolled my eyes at them. "Well, I have to talk to you about some things. When do you want to do it."

"How about now?" he asked. "I mean, it's not like I have a class to teach or anything."

"Whatever." I said.

"Class dismissed, everyone." Professor Sinatra said, and everyone left happily. "Except for you, Zoey Brooks." He pointed at Zoey and some other cool girls. "Please do exorcise 1 on page 3. Ha, 'exorcise'. 'Cause I'm dead. Get it?"

"No. Hey, bitch move." I complained, since Zoey's kind of cool even if she does look like Jamie Lynn Spears. Sinatra shrugged. "Okay, so I'm having lots of visions." I said in a flat, listless voice. "I'm so worried is Draco going to die."

He gave me a black crystal ball to look in. I stared blankly at it. "What do you see?" he asked. I mumbled something. "Excuse me?" he prompted.

"I said I see a flower crown and a soft-grunge cat."

Sinatra was just about to tell me that was just a normal cat and it was actually a death omen when there was a knock at the door. I looked over at it. It was Draco. He was looking really mainstream wearing hemp pants, a My Morning Jacket t-shirt, and no shoes.

"You're dismissed." said Frank Sinatra, sighing heavily.

"Bye, bitch." I said waving. Sinatra was about to yell at me, but I left before I could hear anything.

I went to Draco and saw that Hipster was there with him. We both followed Draco together and I was secretly excited, wondering who I'd get to paint today.

**Chapter 25.**

I followed Draco, wondering if we were going to draw again. We went outside and then we sat Draco's black car. Hipster went back to class. How ironic and unexpected! That kid is the indiest guy I've ever met.

"Aquamarine, what did Professor Sinatra say." whispered Draco as he touched my hand tenderly.

"He said he would tell me what the visions meant tomorrow." I grumbled. Draco took out a blunt and smoked it thoughtfully. Then he flew the car into a tree, not on purpose. Draco cursed and then we got out of the smoldering wreck and wandered into the forest. Draco began humming a Vampire Weekend song.

We started commenting on each other's cloves fervently. He took out his cell phone and instagrammed a picture of me with a sexy sepia filter. Then we began to have an indie band trivia contest before lying down on the grassy floor to watch the shooting stars. We began speaking French passively. Frenching, if you will.

I fell asleep in the grass and began to dream. In it, a black guy was shooting two Indian men with long black hair.

"No! Please don't fucking kill us!" they pleaded, but he just kept shooting them. He ran away in a bright pink limousine.

"Huh." I muttered, waking up.

"Aquamarine, what's wrong." Draco asked me as I opened my ocean blue eyes.

I started to cry and tears of PBR went down my face, because I'm so indie it runs through my veins. I told Draco to call Hipster. And then I realized who the Indian guys in the dream were supposed to represent, maybe: famous porn star Luscious and his counterpart, Serious!


	9. 26-28

**Chapter 26.**

A few minutes later, Hipster came to the forest. He was still wearing his robes - god I love that guy.

"Hi Hipster." I said flirtily even though I was still crying. Draco finger-painted my arms and legs with mud as I told them what happened.

"Not Sirius, right?" Hipster asked, confused. "You said Serious the porn star, right? Not Sirius Black?"

"I don't know." I snapped. "Now come on, we have to tell Dumbledork."

We ran out of the woods and into the castle. Dumbledore was sitting in his office.

"Sir, our dads have been shot." Draco said while we wiped some red paint all over his white face. "Aquamarine had a vision in a dream."

Dumbledore started to cackle. "Hahahaha! And How do u expect me to know Aquamarine's not divisional?"

I glared at Dumbledore. "Delusional, you fucking moron."

"Look, dork." Draco said as Dumbledore gasped. "You know very well that she's not delusional. Now get some fucking people out there to look for Serious and Luscious - porno." You know, because they're porn stars and all.

"Okay." he said in an intimidated voice. "Where are they?"

I thought about it. Then all of a sudden it came to me. "London, probs." I said. I told him which street. He went and called some people on his wizarding phone and did some stuff (stuff? really?). After a few mistakes he came back and told us that people were going out looking for them.

After a while, someone called him again. He said that they had been found. Draco, Hipster, and I all left to our rooms together. I went with Draco to wait in the nurse's office while Hipster went to do art and stuff in his room probably. I kissed the tip of Draco's pinky finger to calm him down, because lips are mainstream and all. Suddenly Serious and Luscious came in on stretchers, and Professor Sinatra was behind them.

**Chapter 27.**

Everyone in the room started to cheer - I had saved them. Draco, Luscious, Serious, and Hipster all came to thank me, and I shoved them away, which caused them all to fall down and get bruised and shit, so the nurse started to give them medicine.

"Aquamarine." called Professor Sinatra. He was wearing a vintage day jacket and slacks, and looked quite fuzzy. Because, you know, he was dead and all, and I could see right through him. "You left before I could interpret your visions." In one hand, he held a book titled "Divination for Dummies".

I locked at Luscious, Serious, Draco, and Hipster. They were still moaning in a pile on the floor.

I rolled my eyes condescendingly and went into a dark room. Professor Sinatra took out some black cards. He started to look into a black crystal ball. "Aquamarine, I see dark times are near." he said, faking a trance. He peered into the ball. "You see, you must go back in time." He took out a bottle of Time-Toner like B'lack Keys had. "When Voldemort was in Hogwarts before he became powerful, he got involved in gang violence. Now, do you think he would still become Voldemort if he had someone to show him the way?" I shrugged. "You must go back in time and seduce him. It is the only way. If he is still evil then you must kill him. You can come to my room tomorrow and you can do it there, out of sight."

"Whatever." I said. I returned to the courtyard, where my friends were waiting.

"What happened?" asked Draco. Hipster, Ginny, Willowtree, and B'lack Keys agreed.

I was about to tell them but everyone was there. They were celebrating Luscious and Serious being found. Everyone was proud of me but I just wanted to talk to Draco. Everyone was talking about me and some reporters were there, trying to interview Dumbledore. A banner was put up. Luscious was standing on the fountain doing a striptease for the masses. Even Serious looked happy. Fred and George set up some fireworks in the shape of ironic hipster flower crowns from Weasley's Wizard Wheezes.

I pickpocketed Hipster, took his invisibility cloak, and we snuck outside with Draco.

**Chapter 28.**

We went into Draco's room. The walls were made of repurposed rubble with portraits of indie bands like Vampire Weekend, Kodaline, and She & Him all over them. A big king-sized futon was in the middle. Off-white organic cotton sheets covered it. There were three chairs made of old tires set around the room. I still wearing the clothes I had on that morning, because no one changes that much.

I sat down one of the chairs. Draco and Hipster followed suit.

"Are you okay?" Hipster asked, lightly brushing my hand. I could still see the Umbridge scars on the back of his palm.

"Whatever." I said. Draco put his hand on mine. I shrugged. "So basically I have to seduce Voldemort. I'll have to go back in time and shit."

Draco started to cry tears of PBR. Hipster edged away from him.

"Whatever, Aquamarine." he said finally. "But what about me. You're not gonna break up or anything, are you."

"Uh, I dunno. Are we dating right now." I droned.

"Do you want to." he asked.

"Sure." I said.

We Frenched and I corrected him on his pronunciation. Then I kissed him. Hipster looked at us with no emotion in his eyes.

Then I took off Draco's Vampire Weekend shirt and his pants, then took out a set of paints. He was hung like a Stallone. Like, Sylvester's dick is not that big, actually. He had replaced the Hipster tattoo with one that said "Aquamarine" over a dream-catcher. I rolled my eyes. He looked kind of but not really like like Ben Gibbard. At Draco's request, Hipster took out a video camera, looking rather disgusted.

I took of my clothes then we were in for the ride of our lives.

We started spreading watercolors all over the white bedsheets. He painted Spock and I painted a photorealistic penis. Then we started to splatter the room.

"I love this shade of aquamarine." he screamed as we began to rub paint all over each other. We watched as Hipster filmed everything perfectly. I'm totally turning this into an art porn. Suddenly.

Dramatic pause.

"WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING!"

It was Snape and Professor McGoggle!

Professor McGonagall was there too.


	10. 29-32

**Chapter 29.**

"Oh. Hey." we muttered as we put down our brushes. Snape and Professor McGoonagle started to shoot at us angrily.

"COME NOW!" Preacher McGongel yelled. So did Professor McGonagall. Hipster ran out, dropping the camera. We left the room without putting on our clothes. Snoop Dogg grabbed the camera and put it in his pocket.

"All that tape is a patent-protected art film." Draco drawled. "Look, Snape, Dumbledork knows your little secret. We have, like, crappy digital camera proof. So make Snoop Dogg give back our project."

"Heh heh heh, the Mystery of Magic thinks he's trippin', y'all, there's no way he can front." Snoop Dogg laughed meanly.

"Yes, so shut your mouth, you insolent fools!" yelled Professor McGoggle. Then she, Snoop Dogg, and Professors Snape, McGongel, McGoonagle, and McGonagall led us into a room. There were all these weird tools in it. Draco started to cry tears of PBR. I rolled my eyes.

Then, all of a sudden, Hipster returned with my gun and began to shoot Snape. Snoop Dogg pulled out two pistols. But Hipster wasn't wearing his glasses and Snoop was stoned, so no one was hurt. I took out my wand.

"Crucio!" I shouted. Snap started to scream and Snoop Dogg dropped the gun, but not after both of them had run out of bullets. I stopped the curse. Professor McGoogle did a spell so that we were all chained up. She took out a box of tools. "Okay, Severus, I'm going to go now." Professors McGoogle, McGongel, McGoonagle, and McGonagall left. Snape and Snoop Dogg started to laugh evilly. Hipster started to try and fight his way out while Draco and I just cried because, you know, effort.

"It's okay, Aquamarine." said Draco. "The evergreen bushes outside the school will be all right. Remember the pictures of Snape you have."

Snape laughed again. Then he took out some whips.

**Chapter 30.**

"Heavy." we mumbled. Snape smiled a reptilian smile. Snoop Dogg turned our camera on. Then they came towards Donnie Darko! Donnie, who'd just materialised in the corner, took some stones out of his pocket. He put the stones around Draco and lit a candle.

"Dude, what." I shooted angrily. Snoop Dogg laughed meanly. He pulled down his pants. I rolled my eyes - there was a Dork Mark on his grundle.

He waved his wand and a knife appeared. He gave the knife to me.

"You gotta stab Harry, yo." he said to me. "If you don't, then I'll rape Draco!"

"Fuck off, Snoop Lion. Your music sucks."

But then Draco shot me a "fucking save me you bitch" look. He looked exactly like a soft-grunge cross between a puppy dog and Jack White. Hipster looked even more disheveled than ever. I thought of the time when we kissed and the time I forest-blogged with Draco and Dumbledore came and the time when Draco almost committed suicide and Hipster was so supportive.

Snape laughed angrily. He started to pray to Voldemort. He started to do an incantation, dancing around the stocks whipping Draco and Hipster. Suddenly I had an idea. I stuck my foot out and using a combination of my leg and my telepathic powers I tripped him.

"You damn fool bitch!" Snoop Dogg cried as Snape fell to the ground. He took off all of Draco's clothes. Just as he was about to rape him... Um, where was I?

Oh yeah.

"Crucio!" I shouted, committing my second felony of the evening. Snoop Dogg screamed and fell to the floor. Meanwhile, I grabbed my wizard phone and sent a text to Serious.

"Damn, lady! I'm gonna kill-" shouted Snoop Dogg, but suddenly Serious arrived and fixed him with a sexy glare.

Snape put the whip behind his back. "Oh, hello, Serious, I was just, um, teaching them something." he lied. Luscious and Professor Sinatra followed Serious. When they saw us, they immediately unlocked the chains and put them around Snape and Snoop. Serious took care of Draco and Hipster while Luscious dealt with the others. Frank Sinatra turned to me. "Come on, Aquamarine, let's go."

**Chapter 31.**

"I always knew you were on Voldemort's side, you son of a bitch." Luscious said to Snape, leaning in so his long layered blond hair framed Snape's face. He wore a loose white crop top and pink skinny jeans, looking as androgynous as ever. If I was a guy, Luscious Malfoy could turn me.

Serious was the more masculine of the two, his curly brown ponytail offset by muscles and a permanent steely expression. The two were partners, fucking on camera for alternative art porn.

"No I'm not, I was teaching them something!" Snape claimed.

"Yeah, no shit." I went into the potion's closet and found some Voldemort Brand Truth Serum, which I gave to Serious. He made Snape and Snoop Dogg drink it. Then Professor Sinatra and Luscious made us leave with them while Snape told Serious his secrets. Luscious took Hipster and Draco to the nurse after thanking me a million times for saving his "precious little boy". Professor Sinatra took me to a dark room. Now I was going to go back in time to seduce Voldemort. B'lack Keys, Ginny, and Willowtree came too. B'lack Keys gave me a composting self-destructing bag from Tom Rid(dle)'s store.

"What's in the bag." I asked Professor Sinatra.

"Your friend packed you a change of clothes. It seems like all you girls do these days is change your clothes." he said, sighing. I opened the bag. There was a baggy brown paisley peasant top and a maxiskirt.

"This is totally mainstream." I complained.

"You're going back in time, though. If you wear vintage it'll be current. Besides, you look ntxim hlub." B'lack Keys said.

"Meh." I said.

"Okay, now you're going to go back in time." said Frank Sinatra. "You will have to do it in a few sessions." He gave me a gun, which I hid in my giant mop of hair. Then he gave me a bottle of Time Toner. "After an hour, rub the Time Toner on your skin to go back here." Professor Sinatra said. Then he and B'lack Keys put a Pensieve in front of me. Everyone went in front of it.

"Good luck or whatever." everyone mumbled. Ginny and Willowtree rolled their eyes at my outfit. Then I stepped away from the pensieve and used the Time Toner to go back in time.

Suddenly, I was in front of the school. Standing coincidentally in front of me was one of the hottest hipster guys I had ever seen. His hair was sepia blond and tied back in a ponytail, and he had green eyes which matched the ferns he wore in his hair. It was Tom Bombadil!

**Chapter 32.**

"Hi." I said flatly. "I'm Aquamarine Mann, the new student." We shook hands, our wrists limp and hispterish.

"The name's Thomas Bombadil." he said. "But you can call me Tom. 'Cause, like, that's my name and whatever."

"Can you show me around the school." I asked, and he smiled.

"Well then, come on, we have to go upstairs." Tom said. I followed him.

"Hey, Tom, do you happen to be a fan of mandolins." I asked.

"Yes, however did you guess." Tom said with a sarcastic grin. "Actually, I like lutes a lot too. I have a whole collection of concept albums performed on lutes."

"Same." I replied, making a mental note to erase every lute-related song from my playlists.

"Guess what. One of my favorite bands, The Violent Femmes, are having a concert in Hogsment." Tom whispered so the posers wouldn't hear.

"Hogsment." I asked.

"Yeah, it's this cute little town right off the grounds." he told me all secretly. "They've got a Goodwill and everything, and a Sal-"

"-vation Army." I finished, happy again.

He frowned confusedly. "I was gonna say Sal's Pizza, but whatever." He smiled again. "But there are a lot of thrift stores too."

"Whatever." Nothing in the past made any sense whatsoever. "So is Dumbledore your headmaster." I asked.

"Uh-huh." he muttered, pushing back his cuticles with his thumbnail. "I'm in Ravenclaw."

"Dude, same." I replied.

"You go to this school." he asked quite stupidly.

"No fucking shit. I'm a new student. Get it."

Suddenly Dumbledork flew in on his Swiffer WetJet and started shouting at us angrily. "NO TALKING IN THE HALLS!" Still talking in text, I see. He had short blonde hair and was wearing a pink polo shirt from American Eagle Outfitters. "STUPID HIPSTRES!"

Tom rolled his eyes. "He's so mean to us hipsters and punks just because we're not posers like him."

"Actually, I think maybe it's because you're the Dork Lord." I muttered under my breath.

"Huh."

"Nothing."

Then suddenly the floor opened. "OMFG NO I SCREAMED AS I FEEL DOWN. everyone looked At ME weirdly." I shouted, falling down into the hole, down, down, down to the future.

"Dude, trippy." Tom said as I fell.

I crawled out of the hole and found myself back in Professor Sinatra's classroom. Dumbledumb was there. "Dumbledork, I think I just met you." I said.

"oh yeah I remember that." he replied, playing it off.

Sinatra came in. "hey this is my classroom wait wtf aquamarine what the hell r u doing?"

"Dude, the fuck." I raised my eyebrows at him condescendingly.

"oh yeaH I forgot bout that."

"Dude, the fuck." I repeated. "Also, why are you talking in text. You're beginning to sound like Dumbledork."

Frank Sinatra looked away. "um I was drinking voldemortserum." He started to cry tears of red wine. Dumbledore looked shocked.

"hey r u crying tears of blood?" he asked curiously, touching a tear.

"Fuck off." we both said, and Dumbledore took his hand away.

Professor Sinatra started crying again in his chair. "omfg aquamarine…I think i'm addicted to Voldemort Serum."

"Yeah, no shit." I muttered with a roll of my ocean blue eyes.


	11. 33-36

**Chapter 33.**

"Dude, we should probable get you to St. Manga's." I droned. You know, the division of St. Mungo's that deals with illicit substances.

"hell no!" he said, which was almost sad, seeing as this important historical figure was now speaking like a thirteen year old fanfiction writer. "Lizzen Egogy, I need ur help. Next time u go bak in time, do u fink u kod ask Tom Anderson for some help?"

"I don't know a Tom Anderson, but whatever, sure." I muttered, kinda flustered since he'd just totally forgotten my name. I stepped outside the door, breathing heavily. Draco was there. He wore his pajamas, a Fun. t-shirt and a pair of torn sweatpants.

"Hey." I murmured.

"How'd it go, Aquamarine." he asked in his normal Draco voice.

"Meh." I responded. We began to walk back to the dorms.

"So how far did you go with Tom." Draco asked. "Because you kind of need to expedite this process as much as possible."

"We just talked, you moron." I snapped.

"Will you have to paint with him."

"I hope not that far." I replied. Then I felt bad, and apologized in French.

"What happened to Snape. I left when Serious was dealing with him." I asked.

"Uh, I dunno." He opened a door to his common room - Snape and Snoop Dogg were there. Serious was cursing them with a shower of knives.

"AAAAGGGHHH!" Snoop Dogg screamed as Serious started to suck his blood. My eyebrows shot up, and Draco almost gasped. We got the fuck out of there and then Draco and I went back to my room. We sat on my indie bed. My clothes were kinda dirty so I just took everything off. Draco put on 'Cousins' by Vampire Weekend.

Then we took out my watercolors. I took out my bristle brush. We started to make art like in that cool indie German film 'Da Grudge'. He put his wet sponge brush in my paint pot. I got orange paint all over my sheets.

"Oh, Draco." I whispered passively as he painted an eructation.

"I love you, Aquamarine." he whispered, and then we fell asleep in my bed.

**Chapter 34.**

He was gone when I woke up the next day. I got up and put on a ivory fringe dress, Aztec leggings, and a bunch of feathers in my hair. Suddenly, there was a knock on the door. I opened it to see Serious.

"Hello, Aquamarine." he said. "You have to come to Professor Sinatra's office."

"Whatever." I said, forgetting my whole agenda for the morning, which included painting Hipster and Ginny and buying more '90s records. "So what actually happened to Snape and Snoop Dogg." I asked Serious. "It was kind of brutal, how you knifed 'em last night."

"I needed information." he answered in a statistical way. "They are in Azerbaijan now."

"Where are Draco and Hipster." I muttered.

"They were excused from school today. I think I heard that they are watching Tribeca films without you."

We went into the office. Professor Sinatra was there. He was drinking some Voldemort Brand Truth Serum.

He took out the Pensieve and the Time-Toner.

"Aquamarine, you will have to do another session now. Also I need u to get me the cure for being addicted." he said sadly, still talking like Tara Gilesbie. "Good luck. Fangz!"

I splashed the toner on my face. Suddenly I looked around - I was in the Great Hall eating organic granola. It was morning. I was sitting next to Tom. Standing on the table was a tall gothic man with long black hair, pale skin, and blue eyes, wearing a suit and black Converse shoes. He looked just like Charles Manson. I shuddered.

"Who's he." I asked.

"Oh, that's Professor Manson - I mean, Slutborn." Tom said. "He's the Potions teacher. Hey Aquamarine."

"Yeah." I asked.

"Did you know that the Pixies are playing in Hogsment tonight. And they're showing this indie film 'The Exercise' at the movies before that."

"Whatever."

"Well, want to go to the concert and the movie with me."

**Chapter 35.**

I went into the Common Room thinking of Tom. Suddenly I did a double take - Draco was there!

"Draco." I hissed. "What are you doing here."

"Huh?" he asked. Then I remembered. It wasn't Draco. It was Luscious! I was just a little shocked because he was actually dressed as a man.

"Oh, hi, Luscious." I said. "I'm Aquamarine, the new student lol we shook hands." We shook hands.

"Yeah, Tom told me about you." Luscious said. He pointed to a group of hipsters. They were sitting in a corner, stoned. It was Serious, Hipster's dad, and Snape! "Listen, I'm in an indie band with those guys." he said. "We're playing tonight at the Pixies show as back-up."

"ORLY." I said, in reference to the French airport.

"Yeah." he said. "We're called The Ornamental Prefixes. I play the storm gutter. Spartacus over there plays the bongo drums." he said, pointing to the guy I knew as Serious. It was probably his real name. "Snape plays the boss. And Jamez plays the ironic banjo, even though we call him James, because come on, this isn't, like, a foreign country or something! "

"Hey." We shook hands and I turned back to Luscious. "It's cool how you don't have a singer." Luscious looked down sadly.

"We used to but she dyed her hair blue and then we had to kick her out for mainstreamizing."

"Shit." I shrugged.

"It's okay, but we need a new lead singer." James sniggered.

"Well, I'm in a band myself." I told them.

"Really?" asked Snape. I rolled my eyes.

"Yeah, we're called Shiny Bohemian Cinderblock 174."

"Sing!" Luscious and Spartacus said. They began to play a song by Sonic Youth.

"I don't know why you wann' impress Christgau, ahh, let that shit die and find out the new goal." I drawled. My singing voice sounds kind of like my normal voice, only, you know, not.

"Aquamarine? Will you join the band? Please?" begged Luscious.

"Um, okay." I shrugged. "Are we going to play tonight."

"Yeah." they said.

"Whatever." I walked outside, wondering how I could go forward in time to change my clothes for the fucktrillionth time. Suddenly someone jumped in front of me. It was Marty Mcfly! He was wearing that dumb puffy vest he wears in the movie.

"Totally wrong movie, dude." I informed him.

"I will help you go forward in time, Aquamarine." he said seriously, snapping his fingers. The Delorean appeared beside him. I climbed in and Marty revved the engine up to 88. Suddenly, I was _back to the future_.

**Chapter 36.**

I looked around. Suddenly I saw Professor Sinatra. B'lack Keys, Serious, Draco, Hipster and Willowtree were there too.

"Hey 'Spartacus', I saw you and James and Snape and everyone. I can't believe Snape used to be cool."

"Yes." Serious said seriously.

"Oh hey there bitch." Professor Sinatra said in a text-talk voice, drinking some Voldemort Brand Truth Serum.

"Dude, quit it already." I said. "Listen, Tom asked me out to a concert and a movie so I need a new outfit for the date. Also, I'm playing in a indie band so I need an outfit for that too. B'lack Keys, get on it."

"Want me to go to Goodwill to shop for your outfits, your highness." B'lack Keys asked.

"OMFS, letz have a group kutting session!" said Professor Sinatra, falling off his chair.

"Dude, what the fuck. Come on, Aqua. Let's get out of here." said Willowtree.

"We also need some potions for Professor Sinatra so he won't be addicted to the serum anymore... and some love potion for Aquamarine." Draco said reluctantly.

"Well, we have potions class now." Willowtree said. I wondered who she'd fucked to get let back in the school.

However, when we arrived at potions class, we found Cornelia Fuck in Snape's place.

"Hey, where the fuck is Dumbledore." Draco said, out of context.

"Hush now." snapped Cornelia Fuck. "He is in Azerbaijan now with Snape, Snoop Dogg, and Lupin. He is old and weak, and he has cancer. Now, to work, children!"

My friends and I talked flatly.

"Can you BELIEVE Snape used to be nice?" Hipster exclaimed when I told him the story.

"Enough!" Fuck cried. "One more sound and I summon Rumbleroar to eat you!" She stomped out angrily.

My friends and I began talking again. I began to drink some prune juice mixed with beer. Suddenly I saw Hagrid in the cupboard.

"Dude, what." I asked. I saw Draco narrow his eyes.

"Hagrid, what the fuck are you doing." he asked.

I looked around... Hagrid was putting something in my glass of PBR! Draco bitch-slapped him feebly with his limp hipster wrist.

"Literally, fuck off." I shouted at Hagrid. I looked at what he was putting in the juice. It was Amnesia Potion!


	12. 37-38

**Chapter 37.**

DONNIE DARKO'S POINT OF VIEW LOL

I stood in the corner of the Hogwarts classroom, invisible and not making a sound. I knew there was somewhere I could have been right then, but watching the Mary Sue infect the young wizards was just too entertaining.

Anyways, Harry and Draco chained Hagrid to the floor.

"Hey, idea." Aquamarine mumbled. She was so hot. "Maybe I could use Amnesia Potion to make Tom fall in love with me or whatever."

"But you're so sexy and wonderful anyway, Tata." said Draco sarcastically, referencing a nickname he'd given her at some point. "Why would you need it."

"To make everything go faster." snapped Aquamarine. "Get it."

"But you won't have to scrapbook with him or anything, will you." he asked jealously.

"Don't worry, Draco, everything's going to be fine." said Zoey Brooks, who I'd determined was the nicest person in the whole school.

"Shut the fuck up." Willowtree shouted at her. Aquamarine sighed.

"Okay, well, anyway, let's go to Professor Sinatra's room."

I followed Draco and Aquamarine to Professor Sinatra's room. But Frank Sinatra wasn't there. Instead, Tom Rid(dle) was.

"I was hoping I'd run into you." he said to Aquamarine. "Listen, I got some dorky new threads you'll totally dig."

Aquamarine frowned. "Wait a minute. Someone's telling my story for me." She looked around, and I prayed she didn't see me. "Hey. Is that Donnie Darko. From the movie." She whipped off my invisibility cloak. "Dude. Wrong. Fucking. Movie. Get it."

Donnie vanished in a puff of smoke. Aquamarine took back her POV.

"Cool." I said, fist-pounding him ironically. I dumped the bag of clothes onto the floor. Everything was super old and dated, and hella vintage. "Nice work."

"How're we gonna get you back in time without Sinatra." asked Draco. He pointed to a sign on the stone wall.

"Heavy." I muttered as I read it.

"_Dear Students, Professor Sinatra is away. He has been discovered harboring illicit substances and has therefore been sentenced to thirty days in Azerbaijan. Classes shall be taught by Albus Dumbledore, who is serving as an interim professor, not as headmaster. Sincerely, Rumbleroar._"

Suddenly Dumbledork came.

"WHAT DA HELL R U DONG IN MY OFICE!" he began to shout angrily, still talking like a twelve-year-old. Suddenly, I saw Marty Mcfly's Delorean! Marty winked at me as I jumped in, leaving Draco and Hipster behind. Suddenly I was back in time! I looked around. It was Professor Slutborn's office. Thinking quickly, I grabbed a vial of amnesia potion from the closet, but as I was leaving, the door opened. Shit! Professor Charles Manson - I mean, Slutborn!

"OMG wut r u doing fuker" he shouted angrily in fucking text-talk. I rolled my eyes. It was official: all the teachers in this school were insane. "I don't kno wut the fuk r u DOING I SHOUTED ANGRILY."

"Whoa, what the fuck, I was just looking around I'm new I thought it was class." I said finally in my best Hogwarts-teacher-voice, hoping he couldn't see the potion in my pocket.

"Oh ok u can go now." said Professor Manson - I mean, Slutborn, grinning in a somewhat murderous way.

I went to the common room after changing my clothes in the girls' bathroom. Serious, Jamez, and Snape were there practicing a song by Neil Young.

"Yo." I said ironically. "Where's Tom."

"Oh, he's cumming to a picture of Skylar Grey, but he'll be here soon." said Serious. "By the way, you can call me Hilarious now." Suddenly Tom came. He was wearing an ivory hemp Pogues jacket, wingtip shoes, and a rope tied around his neck in place of a tie.

"Okay, I'll see you guys at the concert or whatever." I said and then I went with Tom.

**Chapter 38.**

Tom and I walked to his car. It was a flying Prius, which meant it got 5000 million wizard miles to the wizard gallon. His friend Stan started to drive it. We talked about Scientology, paper-cutting, music, and being indie.

"Yeah, I know what you mean, the Cars are so played out." Tom agreed as we smoked some weed.

"Lol." I said in a bored voice. "Hey, Tom, do you know the cure for truth serum addiction."

"Hm." he thought. "They sell this stuff called 'vampire blood' which makes a really good detox for shit like that."

Stan parked the car behind a movie theater. Tom and I walked outside. We went into the movie theater where they were showing a cool foreign indie film called "Da Excercist", in which a boy and a girl were finger painting when suddenly a cereal killer came and stabbed all their cereal boxes. Tom and I stared blankly at the screen for all the funny parts.

While Tom was watching the movie, I had an idea. Fishing around in one of his jacket pockets, I found his pack of clove cigarettes and poured the amnesia potion on them. Tom picked one out and started to smoke it. Thick black smoke clouds started to puff out everywhere, causing me to cough like crazy. Straightedge, remember?

"Sorry." Tom said, extinguishing it. I shrugged, a little worried he'd noticed. "Hey, Aquamarine, guess what."

I knew that the amnesia had worked.

"According to the dumbshit rules of our universe, amnesia potion has not been invented yet so it won't work." he said. "Why the fuck are you drugging me anyways, you sick bitch."

"Oh, so I'm the sick bitch here." I said sarcastically. Then he leaned over and kissed me.

Wow. People were really forward in the '80s.

"Excuse me, but you're going to have to leave!" shouted the lady behind us - the manager of the theater.

"Fuck off." I said, stabbing her in the neck with my palate knife.

"Ahhhhh!" she screamed as she died. Everyone in the theater screamed and Tom looked a little freaked out. He ran outside and I followed him.

"What the fuck, Aquamarine?" Tom exclaimed, running his hands through his hair.

"Whatever." I said as we went into the car.

"Seriously?" he gasped, sounding way too emotional.

"Yeah, seriously." I snapped, drinking some beer. Tom started to drive the car. He was still breathing a little heavy.

"It'stoobadwedidn'tgettoseetherestofthemovie,don'tyouthink?" he said, quickly and nervously.

"Stop talking and kiss me again." I said, and he kissed me passively. Tom parked in the driveway next to the place where Draco and I had watched Fun. for the first time. We went inside where the Pixies were playing and started to sway.

"These are copyrighted song lyrics, yay!" sang the band. I started to dance really close to Tom. He looked at me fondly with his pretty moss-green eyes and for a moment he looked exactly like Voldemort. Suddenly the band stopped playing.

"I would like to present... The Ornamental Prefixes!" he said. I ran onstage. Luscious, Jamez, Snape, and Serious were there. They started to play their instruments. I stepped in front of the mic.

"The man, is taking my candy, the gluten-free candy, pencils, bricks and lines." I sang. (i just made up the lyrics to dat song lulz) My voice sounded like a soft-grunge cross between Tori Amos and Britney Spears. Everyone clapped passively. "Organic bananas and fair-trade labor!" I sang finally. Suddenly Luscious started playing the song wrong by mistake.

"Dude." yelled Jamez. "What the fuck."

"Shit, I'm sorry!" said Luscious.

"You fucking ash-hole!" Jamez shouted angrily.

"Quit it!" Snape said. "Come on, James, it was a mistake!"

"Yeah, it is not his fault." echoed Serious.

"No, he ruined the fucking song!" yelled Jamez.

"You guys, stop." I shouted angrily but it was too late. They all began to fight. Suddenly, a security guard took out a gun.

"Eeeek!" shouted Luscious, but it was too late - the guard took his shot.

Then, thanks to my totally tragic timing, I tripped over the mic stand and fell in the bullet's path.

"No!" yelled everyone, but it was too late, and everything went magenta.

Blacking out is so played out.


End file.
